this is an actual advising chat that i had recently with a desperate advisee. names have been changed, but not necessarily to protect the innocent.
me: yo yo yo
“texas ranger”: hey what's up?
me: i am going to start an advice column
do you need advice on something?
“texas ranger”: hmm, probably
me: well, you think on it
“texas ranger”: i am wondering whether i should bring the cherry salsa i got for “fancy” in michigan to the rehearsal tonight
me: instead of [your boyfriend] “michigander”?
“texas ranger”: i don't know if there will be any other time to give it to her, but it seems like a weird thing to make her carry around. advice?
oh so clever
it is not my date, no
it is quite wonderful though
me: i think you should bring it, but put it in a bag with handles so it is easy to carry. she can give it to her mom to hold or something
“texas ranger”: that's what moms are there for!
me (simultaneously): that's what moms are for!
“texas ranger”: aaahhh!
me: OH MY GOD
“texas ranger”: jinx!
me: you owe me a soda
but not a coke, please
“texas ranger”: uh excuse me?
i don't think that's how jinxing someone works
me: maybe one of those mexican ones. those are good
“texas ranger”: it's been awhile, but i'm pretty sure those aren't the rules
me: because they use cane sugar instead of corn syrup
“texas ranger”: you seem to be rambling on about sodas but not answering the question of why you're not jinxing.
do you think you are exempt from jinx?
me: no, i just think you owe me a coke
because we said the same thing at the same time
you know, like jinx?
like that thing, jimx?
well, not jimx
“texas ranger”: no nope
not true
maybe you owe me a coke then.
did you ever think of that?
me: i guess i am thinking about it now.
(time passes)
no, i think i would prefer it if you gave ME a coke
but again, it has to be a mexican one
“texas ranger”: you are effed up.
you have clearly not been taught the proper rules of jinx and i'm not sure there's any way you can learn them at your age.
This is a very big problem.
You should be concerned.
me: i guess. actually, i SHOULD be concerned, because i am always saying the same thing as people at the same time
but i have always been given cokes by others, so maybe it's YOUR problem
“texas ranger”: you have, huh?
me: oh yes
“texas ranger”: for saying the same thing as them?
me: many times
“texas ranger”: that sounds like a lie to me
me: well, maybe your liedar is broken
“texas ranger”: ok, i just looked it up on wikipedia, and there is actually something about owing a soda with jinxing.
me: wikipedia is the best!
“texas ranger”: but you are confused, it is the person who has been jinxed that owes the soda
that mean [sic] YOU owe ME one.
me: ?
“texas ranger”: mexican coke please
me: copycat
this clearly consists of only a little real advice at the very beginning before it devolves into a philosophical discussion on the ins and outs of jinxing. however, i would like to report that my advice was followed and although "fancy's" mother did not end up holding the bag, the bride was reportedly rather excited by the prospect of cherry salsa.
so all's well that ends well. although "texas ranger" is still hounding me for her damn coke.
